An Epiphany to Leave.
It is not very often when something hits you so hard that it is a completely overwhelming experience. The onset of the experience is so emotionally vast that it becomes a very strange thing, something that is deeply complex, but if taken at face value the emotion seems to be very obvious. I felt this way when I first came on to the Willamette University. Imagine coming in as an outsider, being instantly accepted to the point of popularity, and being able to perfectly fill the role that the fame is based on? To me this was a life time fantasying, but when it finally happened I was stunted by my fame. It's overruling presence restricted me, disallowing me from growing on a personal level.
By living a lifestyle that is based on fulfilling a preconceived notion of a person, that person deceiving himself or herself. If constantly worried about what other people think, and acting upon the way that they are expected to be, the individual is more controlled by their surroundings than any sense of self. I am at least. I came to Willimete University in the middle of a bike trip starting in Santa Barbara Ca. and ending in Bellingham Wa, when people learned this they instantly liked me for it. As I began to enter deeper into the community my reputation began to spread. The more people that knew of me, the more that I wasn’t so sure that what they thought of me was an actual manifestation of self. I would deceive them, acting the way that I thought they wanted me to be. After awhile of this I became caught up in it, I would act a certain way to fill the role that I was supposed to be. By doing this well I became incredibly liked. I became more of a symbol, or a model human being, rather than the person that I have been trying so hard to become. I would compromise personal expression so I could fit the role that was pressed on me.
Character can only be derived when a person is being purely themselves. People try so hard to obtain character by copying market schemes. The problem is that when everyone tries to copy the same character the traits that symbol represents become generic. I was creating a similar type situation in myself. I would live up to character traits that everyone expected me to have. They would corrupt me. I was so good at living up to the image of myself I would act on the intention of my idyllic self. It was like living in a scene, walking through cherry blossoms, having everybody I met deeply connect with me, it gave me a state of being that I have secretly always wanted. I could have been consumed by this, enrolling into Willamette staying this role during my college and then going out into the world to become I’m sure fairly successful. This could have been a very happy life, actually a life that a ton of people strive for, but that is not what I want. It would have been giving up my soul in exchange for a seemingly idyllic life.
In all honesty I don’t know if this is where I want to go to school anymore. I still have so much world to see, so many more experiences to be had and it is a huge decision finding a place to base my life’s journey out of. A big reason I’m writing this essay is to back up what I have started; to make sure that my true character has not been tarnished by the distorted reality that I found myself stumble into. In falling into this alternate from of self I have learned myself, grown vastly as a person. It is just very emotionally taxing. I'm not if the taxation is worth the glory that it promises.
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